26

I really hope we can go out tomorrow. Our first rendez-vous in snow after 4 years!

25

What do you know? One minute everything's cool and next moment hell breaks loose. It really hurts knowing he doesnt care about our future. All he cares about is the moment. And he has no problem dying at age thirty because of the combination of his genes and his smoking. But i have to expect him leaving me. I was stupid enough to let myself believe we could be forever. Forever doesnt exist, right. I guess i wanted him to want to be with me for as long as possible. But you can't always get what you want.

24

I can live without anyone or anything but him. And i deserve him. Despite all my aweful choices i deserve him. I went through hell and i survived without turnin into a demon. So yes I'm worthy.

23

Right now, life's perfect. I have him and he has me. We are best friends above all, and lovers as well. We read together, we sing together, we stroll down our beautiful street at nights even when it's cold outside. Sometimes we smoke, though I'm not fond of it. We cook and wash the dishes together. We go to our classes together. We have lunch at the fac's cafeteria together. We watch black mirror together. He even helps me with my homework. I finally let myself drown in the  pleasantly warm ocean of trust. After 3 years, I finally let myself believe we can be happily ever after. There's hope we'll get outa this place in 6 months. There's so much more to this life I wanna experience (if suicide thoughts do leave me alone for good).

22

Let's get down to business!

21

In 2 short years so much is going to happen. My future, my whole life will become crystal clear. But right now, I feel like a floating leaf in the breeze. Who knows where I'm going?

20

If you ever wonder what extremists look like, I introduce myself to you. I perfected my ability in certain stuff while remaining socially awkward and incapable of meeting new people. At least, I know I'm not mediocre.

19

Even suicide demands a certain amount of faith: faith in a perfect closure, or a new beginning, faith in the fact that there won't follow a much more difficult life in death. I lack this faith. I don't trust anything or anyone. I don't trust faith. I never will.

18

نشستیم و همه ی آپشن هامونو بررسی کردیم. از اپلای به دانشگاهای ایتالیا تا روشهای مختلف خودکشی. اما همش بی نتیجه بود. تنها راه جلو رومون یه زندگی سگی بود که به خوش خیالی و جوونیمون لبخند می زد.

Journal Entry 17

My idealism saved my ass after all! With my first rank, I'm gonna build a fuckin road out of this madhouse.

Journal Entry 16

Everything about him sparkles. I know it's creepy but I enjoy watching him sleep while the little stars dance around him. I'm not drunk.
But the world is too cruel to let us be this happy forever. Le temps detruit tout.

Journal Entry 15

My life's extraordinary. And by my life, I mean HIM (duh not the music band!). He leaves me speechless. He puts me first allll the time. And I dont know how to react. I'm shocked. He didn't let me wake up in my own vomit. He takes care of me all the time. He'll never leave me craving something knowing he can afford it. I'm lucky. But I'm cursed with modernism, with existential crisis. I doubt reality and life and good and evil. He's my only fetter to the earth.

Journal Entry 14

Dear Sam,

I know and hope you don't read me anymore and I think I know why. You think you know me completely. You think I have no secrets, no secret puzzles you can try to solve as a game. Drama queen was something else. She was an absolute enigma that attracted many silent readers just cause she was mysterious. She had no face and so many faces at the same time. You say you didn't find the dark bitchy side of me attractive but I know for a fact that has led on many guys to wanna be with me, even the ones that thought I needed a savior to let go of my pessimism and depression. My darkness did make me different while my ordinary looks didn't, and that's enough motivation, don't you think?

Now your poor wife holds no mystery, not anymore. You've conquered her heart and soul. She has no special friends. She doesn't talk to anyone except you. She doesn't go anywhere without you. You have access to all there is, right? That was the idea. I confess I liked it. That's why I stopped blogging. I still believe the secret to good writing is either abundant joy and zeal for life (something only a few exceptions have been lucky to have, like the poster children of the american dream), or an unexpressable mount of heartache. I didn't wanna have heartache anymore, so I erased the whole equation. I didn't wanna stop sharing everything with you.

I'm not sure I'm gonna stay here. I will change places.I don't think I mind wandering now. Especially now that I know yucky Dave checks my old blog every now and then, I know I can't return there without consequences. But I will write. Writing helps me be myself without having to put up with some collateral damage.

Journal Entry 13

Let's laugh at that old bloodshot moon in that burgundy sky!

Journal Entry 12

-Am I beautiful?
+Yes, you are.
-...as I tear you to pieces?
+No, you're not.

Journal Entry 11

You're the incarnation of an abstract concept: perfection!

Journal Entry 10

-Can't stop thinking about last night!;):p
+Awww, honey :x:x:x
-No, I mean the food was amazing!
+ :|:|

Journal Entry 9

When all people from various social strata and various backgrounds and beliefs compliment you on something, then you know you have a superpower.
Wanna know what my superpower is? Smiling!
Even in the darkest times of my life, when i was more depressed than I'd ever been, people would ask me from where I derived my happiness, and they would all get jealous without knowing about those wounds, those satisfying cuts on my body and on my soul.
I'm still not sure if that's a good thing hiding my true feelings so perfectly when I need to scream it all out as loudly as I can. But that's all the past now. My fake smiles are history. Now I truly am happy, as happy as I could ever be.

Journal Entry 8

You know what I love about life most? Its unpredictability! Even when it wants to make you feel miserable, it srikes hard, won't leave you in suspense. At least that's how it's been for a bipolar me!

Journal Entry 7

We're all approval addicts. It's getting harder and harder to stay where there's no one to admire you.