26

I really hope we can go out tomorrow. Our first rendez-vous in snow after 4 years!

25

What do you know? One minute everything's cool and next moment hell breaks loose. It really hurts knowing he doesnt care about our future. All he cares about is the moment. And he has no problem dying at age thirty because of the combination of his genes and his smoking. But i have to expect him leaving me. I was stupid enough to let myself believe we could be forever. Forever doesnt exist, right. I guess i wanted him to want to be with me for as long as possible. But you can't always get what you want.

24

I can live without anyone or anything but him. And i deserve him. Despite all my aweful choices i deserve him. I went through hell and i survived without turnin into a demon. So yes I'm worthy.

23

Right now, life's perfect. I have him and he has me. We are best friends above all, and lovers as well. We read together, we sing together, we stroll down our beautiful street at nights even when it's cold outside. Sometimes we smoke, though I'm not fond of it. We cook and wash the dishes together. We go to our classes together. We have lunch at the fac's cafeteria together. We watch black mirror together. He even helps me with my homework. I finally let myself drown in the  pleasantly warm ocean of trust. After 3 years, I finally let myself believe we can be happily ever after. There's hope we'll get outa this place in 6 months. There's so much more to this life I wanna experience (if suicide thoughts do leave me alone for good).

22

Let's get down to business!

21

In 2 short years so much is going to happen. My future, my whole life will become crystal clear. But right now, I feel like a floating leaf in the breeze. Who knows where I'm going?

20

If you ever wonder what extremists look like, I introduce myself to you. I perfected my ability in certain stuff while remaining socially awkward and incapable of meeting new people. At least, I know I'm not mediocre.

19

Even suicide demands a certain amount of faith: faith in a perfect closure, or a new beginning, faith in the fact that there won't follow a much more difficult life in death. I lack this faith. I don't trust anything or anyone. I don't trust faith. I never will.

18

نشستیم و همه ی آپشن هامونو بررسی کردیم. از اپلای به دانشگاهای ایتالیا تا روشهای مختلف خودکشی. اما همش بی نتیجه بود. تنها راه جلو رومون یه زندگی سگی بود که به خوش خیالی و جوونیمون لبخند می زد.

Journal Entry 17

My idealism saved my ass after all! With my first rank, I'm gonna build a fuckin road out of this madhouse.

Journal Entry 16

Everything about him sparkles. I know it's creepy but I enjoy watching him sleep while the little stars dance around him. I'm not drunk.
But the world is too cruel to let us be this happy forever. Le temps detruit tout.

Journal Entry 15

My life's extraordinary. And by my life, I mean HIM (duh not the music band!). He leaves me speechless. He puts me first allll the time. And I dont know how to react. I'm shocked. He didn't let me wake up in my own vomit. He takes care of me all the time. He'll never leave me craving something knowing he can afford it. I'm lucky. But I'm cursed with modernism, with existential crisis. I doubt reality and life and good and evil. He's my only fetter to the earth.